So we’ve had a bumpy few days …  For starters Andrew was scheduled for his 2nd surgery on Thursday the 25th to have his blockage repaired and have his PD CATH ( the tube used for dialysis ) inserted.  Wednesday night while Josh was giving Andrew his 5pm feeding the pediatric urologist came in and canceled it ! Andrew had, had an ultra sound the day before on his kidneys and the right one had improved a bit since the last time ( which was about 8 days ago ) so he decided he wants to wait a little longer.  He has more faith in the organs ability to rebound than does our nephrologist who is still pushing to have the PD CATH inserted so that we may begin dialysis.  Having the 2 of them be at odds with each other has added a whole nother level of stress which I haven’t the energy to even get into at the moment, however as parents we’re much more comfortable with our pediatric urologists conservative approach to Andrew’s care versus the nephrologists aggressiveness …

Wednesday night I went to congratulate my precious boy on escaping surgery for the 2nd time … We high fived, I gave him a bath, washed his hair, changed his diaper …   He was so happy he even ate his ENTIRE BOTTLE for me, a first of which I was SO EXCITED about !!!!!  I sang him to sleep and left feeling positive and encouraged.

Imagine my disappointment Thursday morning when we learned that sometime early that morning it was discovered that Andrew was given a faulty PIC LINE.  Apparently there was a manufactures defect ( and of course my son was lucky enough to have had received it ) and it started leaking so they had to pull it out.   He had to be sedated so they could TRY and replace it … they couldn’t.  They tried again today  … again unsuccessfully. So for 2 days in a row our little Andrew has been sedated and poked. Because his kidneys have a hard time getting rid of waste it takes him much longer than other babies to recover from the medication which means I’ve barley seen him the past few days …    Apparently their going to give him until Monday to recover before they try again   BTW, his catheter also came out last night …  so they had to replace that twice as well. His night nurse tried, but when I went to check on him this morning before his second PIC LINE attempt I changed his diaper and noticed urine leaking out from around the catheter  … she used the wrong size, so they were going to replace that while he was sedated this afternoon.  I need to remember to ask about that tomorrow …

All of this sucks … It felt like we were making such progress and now it seems we’ve taken 3 steps back.   My stomach has been sick with worry, I haven’t slept well the past few nights …  I’m SO READY for all of this to be a distant memory …

I don’t think any of you will ever understand how uplifting, encouraging and supportive all of your warm thoughts, prayers, well wishes and love mean to us.  When I see all the comments left by all the moms around the globe, most of which I’ve never had the pleasure of meeting, who have had similar experiences with their babies being in the NICU and have happy endings to share, I grab on to those and hold them tight, because it gives me that much more hope that we too will have our own happy ending to share one day.

So yesterday was a good day for our Andrew …  this truly is a roller coaster ride. I think we’re realizing that we can’t take the “highs” to high or the “lows” to low because things change daily.  There are 2 things that we’re learning to ask the doctors about when we see them , the 1st is “how’s his urine output” ( it should be 2 or above) , his has been ! The 2nd is ” what was his CREATIN level today” ?.  They want it to be below 1, his was 2.9 the day before ( anything over 2 is a pretty good indicator that dialysis is required ), yesterday it was 2.3 !!!!  It actually decreased a little !!!!!  GO ANDREW GO !!!   Although this doesn’t rule out dialysis in any way shape or form, it does encourage us that his little body may have the ability to rebound, even a little !

I’m convinced there’s more than one of you out there with a direct line to the big guy and for that we are GRATEFUL ! You have no idea how much .  Together we’re creating this HUGE circle of love and strength that’s surrounding our little Andrew … he has NO CHOICE but to feel that incredibly healing energy.  THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU !

Last night Josh and I were able to give him his bath ( with some help from his night nurse Robin ) and feed him ! Here are a few pictures :

I’m not really sure where to start, as we learn more and more information daily.  This whole experience is something I’d never wish on any parent.  Giving birth and welcoming new life into this world is one of life’s greatest blessings , not to be able to bring your precious child home to love, hold and explore is one of life’s greatest heartaches …

When I hold my baby I must always be aware of all the many tubes and IV’s attached to his fragile body … do they have enough slack, is he comfortable are any being pinched etc …    It’s all very surreal because when he’s wrapped up nice n’ tight in his blanket and you can’t see the tubes he looks like a healthy baby boy and for just a few seconds I forget about the long, rough road that lies ahead.

Yesterday was a crying day …  we had A LOT of information thrown at us, none of it good.  My day started by learning that his 3rd IV blew …  They’ve been rotating Andrew’s IV’s between his hands and feet. He’s having to receive SO much more fluid than healthy babies and apparently his little veins can’t handle it, so they take what they can until they blow.  I walked over to his station in the NICU and saw his swollen, puffy , bruised foot and just began crying and couldn’t stop. This happened so many times yesterday that last night I was asked to give consent for something called a “pic line “.  It’s basically a more permanent IV that’s run threw Andrew’s arm across his shoulder and in near his heart.  Almost all the babies in the NICU have them, not that it makes me feel any better.

We talked with and met a few of his doctors yesterday … the Nephrologist explained in great detail for about an hour how Andrew needs dialysis and eventually a kidney transplant and all that it would entail, all of which I cried threw.  He told us that his life will most likely be like a roller coaster … that we’ll have many ups and downs with his health should he live long enough to reach his goal weight of 20lbs so he can receive a transplant.  I HATE roller coasters … Then he told us that he was going to try and get one of his partners to place a tube that would run in between Andrews body and skin across his abdomen and into his belly button. ( I forget what it’s called at the moment but it would be used for dialysis ).  Since Andrew was scheduled for surgery today they decided to do both procedures at the same time.

To make an incredibly long story short, when we arrived this morning for Andrews surgery, the Pediatric Urologist told us that he’d decided to wait on the surgery. That he decided he wanted more information  and since Andrew is only 3 days old, he wants to see what his little body might do.  Of course we’re happy that we didn’t have surgery today …  It’s in our near future but everyday Andrew’s given to get stronger is best in my opinion.

Andrew’s been given so many medications for his PIC LINE and in preparation for surgery that he was VERY sleepy and lethargic today, so he didn’t eat well and had to have a feeding tube placed down his tiny throat.  I barley saw him today simply out of exhaustion. I haven’t slept, my body is still healing, my milk came in today, I got up at 5am for his surgery … I had to take a day and rest.  But tomorrow I plan on sitting with my baby and giving him some serious mommy time.  I think it will make both of us feel better …

An email from Hannah:

As most of you already know I was induced on Sunday Sept. 14th , a day earlier
than planned because my amniotic fluid was dropping again … I was admitted
into the hospital at 7pm, started pitocin at 8pm, at 10:30pm was dilated to 2,
at 12:30am I was at 10, was wheeled into the delivery room at 12:45am and at
12:59am Andrew was born !! He weighed 5lbs 13ozs and was 18.5 inches long …
not bad for a preemie !

He did come out crying which was music to my ears , he’s breathing on his own
and actually creating some urine, a sign that he has some kidney function. His
blood is drawn daily to check his renal function, he has suffered damage, how
much is still unknown. He has surgery on Thursday to clear the blockage in his
urethra and hopefully sometime after that ( maybe a week, could be a month )
we’ll have a better understanding of what needs to be done.

Also, his blood type is A+ like his dad, which sofar leaves josh as the only
possible kidney donor as both my mom and dad, brother, emma and myself are all O+ …
Thought I’d throw that out there in case any of you happen to be an A+ …

We’re at the Ronald McDonald house, really nice, only been open for 3 months !
It’s right across the street from Andrew, so we can walk. His nurses are all
really nice and full of more and more information every time we visit. They
tell us he’s a typical 36 weeker … only cries when being bothered with needles
and what not, sleeps most of the day away.

As for Josh and I , we’re exhausted to say the least. Trying to juggle my
hormones and concern for my son, along with Emma’s needs are proving to be quite
stressful … yet somehow were managing,

All of your prayers and support mean the world to us …

Love Hannah

P.S.  (Meghan here) I’ve asked Hannah to let us know what it takes to be a donor and how we can find out if we’re compatible, beyond the A+ blood type match that’s required.  I’ll let you know what I hear…

Hannah’s friend Meg here…

Andrew David arrived this morning and weighed in at 5lbs. 13oz. He’s 18.5 inches and came out crying, which is a GREAT sign!

As she said, they’re “exhausted, but good!”

Welcome to the world, little guy!

I’ll keep you updated if I hear more!

On Monday, September 15th at 9am because my amniotic fluid is dropping again.  I saw Dr. “C” today for a routine apt and he noticed my amniotic fluid looked low … he told me right away that he was going to measure it and that if it were 5 or lower I’d be having a c-section this afternoon , which I was SO not prepared for …

Thank goodness it came back 5.23 !! I barley got out of that one ! YAY ! I wasn’t induced with Emma, so I’m not sure what to expect, but I’m really happy that I get the chance to try and have a natural delivery.

If your wondering why my amniotic fluid is dropping again it’s because Andrew’s kidneys aren’t creating enough urine.  The shunt is still in place and working … which means his kidneys aren’t doing what they should be.

I’m actually relived to have a scheduled day to go in and have my baby.  I was feeling anxious about not knowing when or what time my body might choose to go into labor, and that if it were in the middle of the night, would the staff know what to do with me ??  This way all the doctors involved will be standing by and ready for Andrew the minute he gets here.

So the first thing we want is to hear him cry … that’d be the best confirmation that his lungs are strong.  I don’t want him to have to be hooked up to a breathing machine if it’s at all possible. Then they’ll get him to the NICU and situated and once he’s stable, which may be a day or two, he’ll have his surgery to remove the blockage in his urethra. ( he’ll get a baby catheter in the mean time ).  After surgery, it could take up to a month before we get an accurate reading on his kidney function , at which time we’ll know whether he’ll need dialysis, a transplant etc …

I’ll be 36 weeks on Saturday , so as long as Mr. Andrew doesn’t pull any shenanigans, I’ll be happy to have made it to my goal week ! Obviously the longer I could keep him in the better, but I think I’ll feel a little better once he’s here and we can start getting some answers about his health and start fixing him.

I’ll do my best to publish one more post before I go to the hospital Monday, but it may be a while before I can get connected to the Internet.  So wish us luck as we begin the next chapter in our very tiresome, hectic, unpredictable journey which is our life.  For the moment anyways …

So not too much going on here lately …   Josh was able to take the week off of work which has proven to be the BEST medicine EVER !!   I hadn’t really slept since before my last surgery, so it’s been so freaking awesome to just lay in bed and dose.  It’s amazing how everything seems worse or more dramatic when your exhausted.  I’ve been able to take full advantage of my bed rest, which my body is super excited about!  And more importantly my Emma baby is having a wonderful week.  She’s getting some MUCH needed and deserved Emma time and quality time with her daddy !  My poor baby has had to make some sacrifices and many adjustments due to our situation with Andrew and I can’t even begin to tell you what kind of guilt I feel because of it …   Josh has been taking her to all of her favorite places , the park, the beach , the avila barn …  and it’s only Tuesday !   She’s happy , so in turn, I’m happy

Since were talking about Emma, I have to mention that Discovery Health came to my Dads to film some of our “Home Bio” material !  Fascinating stuff really … I’m on strict bed rest, so it’s Hannah on the couch, Hannah laying in bed, Hannah on the computer , reading her book blah blah blah …     Anyways, the crew hadn’t met Emma before Sunday and really wanted to film her …  we were really worried that she’d use that opportunity to act like a total 3 year old  … you know, to sass her parents, talk back, run and hide in her room, tell them to go home, that she didn’t like them … all those super fun behaviors that have a tendency to show themselves at the most inconvenient times !

Well, let me tell ya …. she was FREAK’N  BRILLIANT !!!!   They showed up with a HUGE sticker book for her and that’s all it took !  The minute they turned the camera on her she sat up straight and smiled her biggest smile and repeated over and over again ” CHEESE.  CHEESE. CHEESE “   I laughed my ass off it was so adorable !   She answered all of my questions with out being prompted, she did everything they asked of her and she was SO well behaved.  I was so proud of my baby, not to say that she isn’t a good girl, because most, I repeat, most of the time she is …  but dam if 3 isn’t proving to be a difficult age !

I think that’s about all I’ve got for now, which means it’s ice cream time !   I think I’ll eat it right out of the tub tonight !!  ( Clapping hands with excitement ) !!!   I’ll have a spoonful for you !

First things first … I’d like to give a HUGE shout out to all of you who have left me such uplifting, heart felt comments.  I know I’ve probably repeated this many times to some of you, but I can’t stress it enough how much it means to know that we have all of you pulling for us.

Yesterday was rough …   the news we got about Andrew wasn’t what I wanted to hear at all, so it was sort of the “straw that broke the camels back” if you will , and it just brought everything to the surface for me. What I really wanted were some kudos … Like ” good job Hannah, you’ve been such a good sport, your reward is his kidneys are improving”.  It was actually really cathartic to release all of that in my post yesterday.  In fact I have to say that starting this blog  ( thank you SO much meg ) has really helped me.  It’s so liberating to be able to write so candidly about how I feel and not care what people are going to think.  And besides that I’ve gained so much more support threw the blogging community, it’s really awesome, and I’m totally overwhelmed by it all.

I’ve probably mentioned this a time or two before as well , and this I’m sure won’t be the last, but I LOVE LOVE LOVE my doctor … who by the way will be referred to as “Dr. Magic” or “Dr. C”  simply because it sounds cooler than Dr. Chmait, and I think he’d like it. !!   He called me this morning to make sure I was ok and to remind me not to give up hope.  He encouraged me to stay positive and optimistic  and that we shouldn’t hang our hats based on the results of the cordosentisis …  more importantly he reminded me that I’m only the vessel … that if results are good, it’s not because of me or anything I’ve done and if results are bad, it’s not because of me or anything I’ve done. It was a nice little heart to heart that’s helped get me back on tract.

So today’s a new day … and with it I have a new attitude !  I’m going to focus on the positive … my baby has a strong heart beat, he’s growing and developing normally, his lungs are getting stronger with everyday he’s inside of me and he’s receiving the BEST care imaginable !

yep … she’s back ladies and gentlemen ! And to reward myself, I think I’ll go hunt down my king sized snickers !!!!!

So we had our apt this afternoon …  I was really hoping for no news, which would have been better than the news we got.  It seems as tho  Andrew’s Kidneys aren’t rebounding the way we were hoping they might.  The results from our first Cordocentisis ( which checked Andrews kidney function ) came back at 8.5, which is pretty high.  We were hoping for 6.3 or lower … today we received the results from the most recent cordocentisis … 8.69.    Not at all what we were hoping for.  I was praying for 7.5, at least that would have been a step in the right direction.

Both kidneys have taken a MAJOR hit. The left is a goner … the right one has a tiny little sliver of functioning kidney left. It’s looking more and more like dialysis is in our future as well as a kidney transplant, of course he has to survive an entire year and weigh around 20 lbs in order to qualify for that.  This could mean he spends the next year in the hospital as dialysis is twice a week.

I haven’t really been ready to deal with much of this …  I have a really bad habit of stuffing most of my emotions deep down inside of me, so that I can keep up a strong front for family.  Somehow, I feel like if I show how scared or angry or helpless I feel then they’ll worry more.  Today I had my first tiny melt down … poor Dr. Chmait , all he did was ask me if I were ok and instant tears.  He and Terri were so kind … they got me some tissue and did their best to comfort me. Terri gave me a BIG hug  and I could feel her concern for me.  Dr. Chamit encouraged me not to give up hope.  He reminded me that I’ve done everything I can possibly do to give this baby the best chance at a future … and that at some point we have to give it to god. He’s right … I just need to convince my heart of this.

At around 17 weeks into my pregnancy I dreamt of Andrew … I was ice skating in a royal blue, strapless cocktail dress, on a cruises ship !  A girl I new in elementary school was there and holding my baby boy, she came to get me off the ice because he had just spit up … so I took him from her, went to my cabin, ran the bath water and got inside with him because I didn’t have a baby bath … I sat in that tub dress and all and I saw him so perfectly … olive skin, dark brown hair and big brown eyes.  That’s all it took … not only did my heart know I was having a boy, but I was in love.   And every week that I get further along in this pregnancy I love him even more … it’s an amazing thing, motherhood.  That you can love someone so completely and unconditionally with only ever feeling them move about inside of you.

I don’t need to see his face , hold him, smell him , sing to him, rock him or talk to him to know how deeply hurt I’ll feel to lose him. If I could take all of this from him I would in a minute.   I hate that I can’t fix this or put a band aid on it, kiss it and make it better …

So as little as it seems, I’ll do what I can … I’ll try and remember that everything happens for a reason, that there’s a lesson in this for my family and myself , and that miracles do sometimes happen.

But for tonight, I think I’ll simmer in my sadness.

I’m tell’n ya, I can’t WAIT, to ring in 2009 …    This has been the crappiest year ever.   Overall we live a fairly boring, normal life. Our biggest challenges usually arise when Josh gets deployed for months at a time ( if I haven’t mentioned it before, he’s active duty in the Air Force ).

We rarely get sick, or have to go to the doctors ~ aside from yearly healthy check-ups, we’re good people, so the karma stuff is usually on our side.  We’re responsible pet owners, we pay our taxes, we get along with most everyone, I ALWAYS buy whatever it is the neighborhood kids are selling …  so what the Criz-ap universe, what have we done to deserve such a F*d up year ???

It started immediately in Jan of this year … on the 4th to be exact. We were driving to San Diego to visit my brother for his birthday ~ in a monsoon no less, only made it about 3 miles from our house when we were rear ended by some crazy woman. Our First accident in the 12 years josh and I have been together.

A few weeks later,  miss Emma had to have surgery to have some random cyst removed from her ear … my poor baby.  Josh tested for the next rank and didn’t make it ( the only way one can get a raise in the military ),  we had a miserable time at Disneyland which was suppose to be SUPAH FUN for Emma’s 3rd birthday but wasn’t because she got sick the day we got there.

A few days later my uncle ( mom’s youngest brother-she has 6 siblings ) was diagnosed with lymphoma. That rocked our family.  Unless you yourself have had cancer or have a family member who has, you have no idea how powerful it is.  It’s has to be one of the hardest things to watch someone you love suffer threw …  Fortunaltey I have a seriously amazing, united family whose love and support is stronger than any stinking cancer and I’m happy to say that said uncle is currently in remission … but the past few months have been a total bitch.

Now add to all of this the complications I’m having with this pregnancy and you have yourself a recipe for stress and stomach ulcers …    And why should today be any different ??

Today my mom called me crying because she had to put our beloved family pet Duke , the best golden retriever to walk this earth to sleep this morning.  He’d been with us for the past 12 years …   I have no idea how to tell my 3 yr old, she’s really gonna miss him.  He was a big guy, around 110 lbs, she could ride him, poke him, wrestle him … put treats on his nose and tell him to “leave it” , get him to “speak”  … he was always just as happy to see her too and never anything but gentle.  RIP  “DUKEY”, we’ll miss you buddy …

Ok, and just now, as I’m typing this, Josh called  … he’s having to drive back down here tonight ( he only left Sunday and it’s Tuesday ) to take me to my doctors apt tomorrow.  It takes 2 hours one way just to get here and then another hour to my doctors tomorrow , and then he’ll go home tomorrow late afternoon just to return Friday night sometime for the weekend …  SO, he had to run and get a haircut before he hit the road and apparently left his VERY EXPENSIVE sunglasses and favorite hat at the barber shop but didn’t realize it until like 10 minutes ago, so he went back to get them and the place is closed!  Then he split water all over the car, trying to bring me flowers that one of my girlfriends had sent to our house.

So I say to you … 2008 can kiss my ASS !