So we had our apt this afternoon …  I was really hoping for no news, which would have been better than the news we got.  It seems as tho  Andrew’s Kidneys aren’t rebounding the way we were hoping they might.  The results from our first Cordocentisis ( which checked Andrews kidney function ) came back at 8.5, which is pretty high.  We were hoping for 6.3 or lower … today we received the results from the most recent cordocentisis … 8.69.    Not at all what we were hoping for.  I was praying for 7.5, at least that would have been a step in the right direction.

Both kidneys have taken a MAJOR hit. The left is a goner … the right one has a tiny little sliver of functioning kidney left. It’s looking more and more like dialysis is in our future as well as a kidney transplant, of course he has to survive an entire year and weigh around 20 lbs in order to qualify for that.  This could mean he spends the next year in the hospital as dialysis is twice a week.

I haven’t really been ready to deal with much of this …  I have a really bad habit of stuffing most of my emotions deep down inside of me, so that I can keep up a strong front for family.  Somehow, I feel like if I show how scared or angry or helpless I feel then they’ll worry more.  Today I had my first tiny melt down … poor Dr. Chmait , all he did was ask me if I were ok and instant tears.  He and Terri were so kind … they got me some tissue and did their best to comfort me. Terri gave me a BIG hug  and I could feel her concern for me.  Dr. Chamit encouraged me not to give up hope.  He reminded me that I’ve done everything I can possibly do to give this baby the best chance at a future … and that at some point we have to give it to god. He’s right … I just need to convince my heart of this.

At around 17 weeks into my pregnancy I dreamt of Andrew … I was ice skating in a royal blue, strapless cocktail dress, on a cruises ship !  A girl I new in elementary school was there and holding my baby boy, she came to get me off the ice because he had just spit up … so I took him from her, went to my cabin, ran the bath water and got inside with him because I didn’t have a baby bath … I sat in that tub dress and all and I saw him so perfectly … olive skin, dark brown hair and big brown eyes.  That’s all it took … not only did my heart know I was having a boy, but I was in love.   And every week that I get further along in this pregnancy I love him even more … it’s an amazing thing, motherhood.  That you can love someone so completely and unconditionally with only ever feeling them move about inside of you.

I don’t need to see his face , hold him, smell him , sing to him, rock him or talk to him to know how deeply hurt I’ll feel to lose him. If I could take all of this from him I would in a minute.   I hate that I can’t fix this or put a band aid on it, kiss it and make it better …

So as little as it seems, I’ll do what I can … I’ll try and remember that everything happens for a reason, that there’s a lesson in this for my family and myself , and that miracles do sometimes happen.

But for tonight, I think I’ll simmer in my sadness.