First things first … I’d like to give a HUGE shout out to all of you who have left me such uplifting, heart felt comments.  I know I’ve probably repeated this many times to some of you, but I can’t stress it enough how much it means to know that we have all of you pulling for us.

Yesterday was rough …   the news we got about Andrew wasn’t what I wanted to hear at all, so it was sort of the “straw that broke the camels back” if you will , and it just brought everything to the surface for me. What I really wanted were some kudos … Like ” good job Hannah, you’ve been such a good sport, your reward is his kidneys are improving”.  It was actually really cathartic to release all of that in my post yesterday.  In fact I have to say that starting this blog  ( thank you SO much meg ) has really helped me.  It’s so liberating to be able to write so candidly about how I feel and not care what people are going to think.  And besides that I’ve gained so much more support threw the blogging community, it’s really awesome, and I’m totally overwhelmed by it all.

I’ve probably mentioned this a time or two before as well , and this I’m sure won’t be the last, but I LOVE LOVE LOVE my doctor … who by the way will be referred to as “Dr. Magic” or “Dr. C”  simply because it sounds cooler than Dr. Chmait, and I think he’d like it. !!   He called me this morning to make sure I was ok and to remind me not to give up hope.  He encouraged me to stay positive and optimistic  and that we shouldn’t hang our hats based on the results of the cordosentisis …  more importantly he reminded me that I’m only the vessel … that if results are good, it’s not because of me or anything I’ve done and if results are bad, it’s not because of me or anything I’ve done. It was a nice little heart to heart that’s helped get me back on tract.

So today’s a new day … and with it I have a new attitude !  I’m going to focus on the positive … my baby has a strong heart beat, he’s growing and developing normally, his lungs are getting stronger with everyday he’s inside of me and he’s receiving the BEST care imaginable !

yep … she’s back ladies and gentlemen ! And to reward myself, I think I’ll go hunt down my king sized snickers !!!!!

So we had our apt this afternoon …  I was really hoping for no news, which would have been better than the news we got.  It seems as tho  Andrew’s Kidneys aren’t rebounding the way we were hoping they might.  The results from our first Cordocentisis ( which checked Andrews kidney function ) came back at 8.5, which is pretty high.  We were hoping for 6.3 or lower … today we received the results from the most recent cordocentisis … 8.69.    Not at all what we were hoping for.  I was praying for 7.5, at least that would have been a step in the right direction.

Both kidneys have taken a MAJOR hit. The left is a goner … the right one has a tiny little sliver of functioning kidney left. It’s looking more and more like dialysis is in our future as well as a kidney transplant, of course he has to survive an entire year and weigh around 20 lbs in order to qualify for that.  This could mean he spends the next year in the hospital as dialysis is twice a week.

I haven’t really been ready to deal with much of this …  I have a really bad habit of stuffing most of my emotions deep down inside of me, so that I can keep up a strong front for family.  Somehow, I feel like if I show how scared or angry or helpless I feel then they’ll worry more.  Today I had my first tiny melt down … poor Dr. Chmait , all he did was ask me if I were ok and instant tears.  He and Terri were so kind … they got me some tissue and did their best to comfort me. Terri gave me a BIG hug  and I could feel her concern for me.  Dr. Chamit encouraged me not to give up hope.  He reminded me that I’ve done everything I can possibly do to give this baby the best chance at a future … and that at some point we have to give it to god. He’s right … I just need to convince my heart of this.

At around 17 weeks into my pregnancy I dreamt of Andrew … I was ice skating in a royal blue, strapless cocktail dress, on a cruises ship !  A girl I new in elementary school was there and holding my baby boy, she came to get me off the ice because he had just spit up … so I took him from her, went to my cabin, ran the bath water and got inside with him because I didn’t have a baby bath … I sat in that tub dress and all and I saw him so perfectly … olive skin, dark brown hair and big brown eyes.  That’s all it took … not only did my heart know I was having a boy, but I was in love.   And every week that I get further along in this pregnancy I love him even more … it’s an amazing thing, motherhood.  That you can love someone so completely and unconditionally with only ever feeling them move about inside of you.

I don’t need to see his face , hold him, smell him , sing to him, rock him or talk to him to know how deeply hurt I’ll feel to lose him. If I could take all of this from him I would in a minute.   I hate that I can’t fix this or put a band aid on it, kiss it and make it better …

So as little as it seems, I’ll do what I can … I’ll try and remember that everything happens for a reason, that there’s a lesson in this for my family and myself , and that miracles do sometimes happen.

But for tonight, I think I’ll simmer in my sadness.

I’m tell’n ya, I can’t WAIT, to ring in 2009 …    This has been the crappiest year ever.   Overall we live a fairly boring, normal life. Our biggest challenges usually arise when Josh gets deployed for months at a time ( if I haven’t mentioned it before, he’s active duty in the Air Force ).

We rarely get sick, or have to go to the doctors ~ aside from yearly healthy check-ups, we’re good people, so the karma stuff is usually on our side.  We’re responsible pet owners, we pay our taxes, we get along with most everyone, I ALWAYS buy whatever it is the neighborhood kids are selling …  so what the Criz-ap universe, what have we done to deserve such a F*d up year ???

It started immediately in Jan of this year … on the 4th to be exact. We were driving to San Diego to visit my brother for his birthday ~ in a monsoon no less, only made it about 3 miles from our house when we were rear ended by some crazy woman. Our First accident in the 12 years josh and I have been together.

A few weeks later,  miss Emma had to have surgery to have some random cyst removed from her ear … my poor baby.  Josh tested for the next rank and didn’t make it ( the only way one can get a raise in the military ),  we had a miserable time at Disneyland which was suppose to be SUPAH FUN for Emma’s 3rd birthday but wasn’t because she got sick the day we got there.

A few days later my uncle ( mom’s youngest brother-she has 6 siblings ) was diagnosed with lymphoma. That rocked our family.  Unless you yourself have had cancer or have a family member who has, you have no idea how powerful it is.  It’s has to be one of the hardest things to watch someone you love suffer threw …  Fortunaltey I have a seriously amazing, united family whose love and support is stronger than any stinking cancer and I’m happy to say that said uncle is currently in remission … but the past few months have been a total bitch.

Now add to all of this the complications I’m having with this pregnancy and you have yourself a recipe for stress and stomach ulcers …    And why should today be any different ??

Today my mom called me crying because she had to put our beloved family pet Duke , the best golden retriever to walk this earth to sleep this morning.  He’d been with us for the past 12 years …   I have no idea how to tell my 3 yr old, she’s really gonna miss him.  He was a big guy, around 110 lbs, she could ride him, poke him, wrestle him … put treats on his nose and tell him to “leave it” , get him to “speak”  … he was always just as happy to see her too and never anything but gentle.  RIP  “DUKEY”, we’ll miss you buddy …

Ok, and just now, as I’m typing this, Josh called  … he’s having to drive back down here tonight ( he only left Sunday and it’s Tuesday ) to take me to my doctors apt tomorrow.  It takes 2 hours one way just to get here and then another hour to my doctors tomorrow , and then he’ll go home tomorrow late afternoon just to return Friday night sometime for the weekend …  SO, he had to run and get a haircut before he hit the road and apparently left his VERY EXPENSIVE sunglasses and favorite hat at the barber shop but didn’t realize it until like 10 minutes ago, so he went back to get them and the place is closed!  Then he split water all over the car, trying to bring me flowers that one of my girlfriends had sent to our house.

So I say to you … 2008 can kiss my ASS !

 I survived another surgery …   despite my son’s best efforts to make it as difficult as possible.  The very first thing Dr. Chmait  did was perform a cordocentsis, so that we can compare Andrew’s kidney function to the time before. Last time his function came in at 8.5, which is not good at all, we were hoping they’d been around 6.3 or below which still would have been high.  The Hope is that his kidneys have gained some function since having the shunt placed in his bladder, as long as it comes back lower than 8.5 I’d be very encouraged that all of this is heading in the right direction.

After drawing blood from Andrew’s umbilical cord, Dr. Chmait gave him a shot of morphine and some kind of paralytic ( also threw his umbilical cord ) for pain and so that he would hold still, the idea being that he wouldn’t move about thus making the surgery easier.  However, a few minutes into surgery Dr. Chmait asked me if my husband could “handle his alcohol” … unfortunately the answer to that question is a big fat YES.  Dr. Chmait said ” well, like father like son … Andrew should be knocked out by now but he’s still fighting me ” ! Although I’m not exactly thrilled with this realization, I was happy to hear my little guys a fighter ! With all that lies ahead of him, I prefer he be feisty !

This time I only received one incision … Andrew was in the same position as last time, so he went thew the placenta again.  Dr. Chamit was hoping I wouldn’t need another Amniotic Infusion, but by the time of surgery my amniotic fluid had dropped so much I had one of those as well. I dunno why, but this time I received twice as much fluid as before, approximatley a litter …  

Overall the surgery was much more intense.  I felt a lot more, heard more , Andrew wasn’t behaving so it lasted longer.   Anytime you start messing around with the uterus, specially since I’m 34 weeks a long now the chances of going into labor increase,  add that to the fact that my cervix is short and wah-la , you have yourself an extra night in the hospital hooked up to magnesium sulfate feeling like death.  My saliva tasted like metal,  it burns going threw the IV, it feels like poison in your body not to mention all the nasty side effects of which I felt every single one.  On top of all of that I was threatened with being admitted to the hospital permanently if my contractions didn’t stop or improve by 3:00pm this afternoon.  ( They were every 3-4 minutes, hence the magnesium sulfate ).  THANK GOD, they subsided and Dr. Chmait released me to my Dads in Thousand Oaks on strict bed rest … I’m talking he called me by my middle name and made me swear I’d lay in bed 24-7.  I of course would have agreed to anything at that point if it meant I could get out of the hospital.  I love my nurses, I had a HUGE suite with an extra bed and TV for josh, the food lady ( MALLIA ) likes us so much she stamped our room VIP so that josh was served whatever his heart desired at any time of day, but lets face it … it’s NOTHING like being home.

So anyhow, I’m sore and exhausted and incredably uncomfortable, not to mention incredibly LARGE and swollen, which happens to be a side effect of the procardia, a persription I was sent home with to help ward off contractions. Emma and I are trying to get settled at my dads, Josh and I are trying to figure out what life will be like 2 hrs apart …    My brains on overload trying to remember to make notes of all the many things I take care of around the house, things that need to be done, bills to be paid, for Josh so he can keep the house running smoothly while I’m here.

In the meantime, my only purpose is to be a crock pot for the next 2 weeks …  How fun does that sound ?!?!

I just got done seeing Dr. Chmait for one of my weekly appointments …  turns out Andrew pulled his Shunt out. Either that or it came out all by itself, but I find that hard to believe.   We had a hard time seeing it last week, but as I think I’ve mentioned before  ~ as the baby gets bigger they have less room to move about and depending on their position , can be difficult to see.  But last week, there was evidence that it was still there because my amniotic fluid was maintaining.  

Today, however, his little bladder is dilated once more and my amniotic fluid is below normal.  So we’ve opted to have the surgery again and have yet another shunt placed in his bladder.  In a matter of maybe 2 days my amniotic fluid will be gone again completely in which case I’d have to deliver him via c-section anyways, so if this works and I can keep him in for maybe 2 more weeks it’d be best for his lung development. I’ll be prepped tomorrow just like the times before for an emergency c-section just in case his heart rate should drop or something go wrong. Dr. Chmait also wants to do another cordocentesis while were in there. He wants to compare Andrew’s kidney function to the time before.

Needless to say this all SUCKS  …  I’ll do whatever it takes to give my baby the best possible outcome, but I’m not looking forward to this surgery tomorrow. Again he’ll have to go threw my placenta, because my stubborn child hasn’t moved, my bruise is barley going away from the last time. Hell, my incisions still haven’t completely healed.  My OB mentioned last week that my cervix was soft, so I’m not confident that I won’t go into labor this time which is always a possibility. Andrew was estimated to weigh about 5 lbs today which I’m happy about, and I was given some type of sterroid shot this afternoon to help with lung development, but his kidneys haven’t really changed much and my heart aches right now with concern.

My brain is dead, and I need to rest and eat and process what’s happened today , but soon as I can I’ll write an update and let everyone know how everything goes.  In the  meantime, all of your prayers and well wishes mean the world to us …

Hannah

That’s exactly what I think of Dr. Chmait and Terri Maitino.   These two have moved heaven and earth to make sure Andrew and I receive the BEST care. They’re basically running something similar to a “mom and pop shop”, in comparison to other medical fields that are fully funded. And yet their overall statistics are much higher on average. Their not about getting “paid”, their about learning and helping EVERYONE. My god, if you even suspect your pregnancy my be tainted with some sort of dreaded fetal illness, they’ll personally take your call. Dr. Chmait  doesn’t have any fancy plaques or awards on the office walls, just a HUGE bulletin with pictures of all the many babies they’ve saved to date. I feel truly blessed to be in their care.

So get this : The OB who Dr. Chmait originally wanted my care transferred too apparently made a decision based on convenience for herself and not what was in the best interest of his patient ( not me, but another of his patients that he had care transferred for ) and this irritated him immensely so he cut ties with this Dr. completely, is writing her up and took back full ownership of said patients care as well as my own.

So there’s only one other Dr. that will do, however she doesn’t accept my insurance.   And of course after many failed attempts at trying to get a referral from my insurance and a HUGE STRESS headache , Terri in all her glory gets on the phone and calls the Director of my insurance and she and Dr. Chmait explain to this person how critical it is that this particular OB take over my care.  That she’s part of the fetal team, that my case requires excellence , blah blah blah   and what do you know …  THEY FREAK’N GOT ME A REFERAL TO A DOCTOR WHOSE NOT IN MY NETWORK !!!  How in the hell they managed that is beyond me … and to my friends who have the same LAME insurance we do , you especially know how crazy that is !

I was so worried that I was going to have to have my baby here at home with doctors and nurses who have no clue what’s going on with me and Andrew , or the skill to help us and that critical time would be lost if they had to send him via ambulance on a 3.5 hour ride to the Los Angeles Children’s Hospital.

BTW , Hollywood Presbyterian , where I’ll be delivering Andrew is connected to the children’s hospital, so we’ll literally be within walking distance of each other !! And all of our medical staff is right there in the same building, I’m SO relieved.  It was one of the many things in my very unpredictable life right now, that was just looming over me.  It feels so good to have some idea as to what’s going to happen in the next few weeks.  AHHHHHHHH …. a sigh of relief

Before I give an update I wanted to share a scripture I’ve recently come across, it’s one that when I read it, felt like it had been written just for us at this particular moment in our life :

HEBREWS 11:1  …  Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

Let me start by telling you how VERY UNCOMFORTABLE I am.  Being filled with amniotic fluid  instantly made me 2 lbs heavier, and has totally filled out my baby bump. Similar to taking a deflated basket ball and filling it with air. My skin, especially along my sides feels SO FREAK’N TIGHT.  And holy cow am I bloated … I’m hoping that feeling goes away as my body gets used to having a normal amniotic fluid level. It’s like I grew 3 pregnancy weeks overnight. OUCH.

I saw Dr. Chmait today … all looks good !  The shunt is still in place, he believes Andrew has some kidney function because my amniotic fluid levels are maintaining ~ apparently if he had none, my sac of waters would be dry again. He reminded us again that we won’t know how bad off the kidneys are until after he’s born. And even then it could take up to a month to get an accurate reading.  My incisions are healing nicely and so far I’ve managed not to go into labor ! YAY !

So I must continue with bed rest for the duration of my pregnancy,  he wants me to move in with my dad in a couple weeks so that I can be closer to the hospital ( thousand oaks is only an hour drive, versus the 3.5 it takes us from home ). And he and Terri are going to work on having all of my care transferred to LA, which means a new OB.  My next big hurdle is to make it to 36 weeks.   I’m currently 33 weeks … I can do this for 3 more weeks …    Meghans lap top, wireless web connection and some Ben and Jerry’s “peanut butter cup”! I think I’m set  … except what to do with the 3 yr old ? Hmmm…

Let me start by saying that the overwhelming response to our situation has been truly amazing and totally appreciative 

But when people hear about what’s going on with my pregnancy their first response is always the same , they either 1) tell me about a friend who had her baby at like 25 weeks and it was just fine or 2) how they themselves had a preemie and he/she was fine.  Don’t get me wrong, I love to hear about these stories they’re wonderful and I’m always very excited for whose ever baby it was that came early and is now thriving, but it’s NOT AT ALL the same thing.

This was never a matter of my body not being able to carry this baby for whatever reason , if that were the case I wouldn’t be on bed rest because I’d have a healthy baby who more than likely would be fine to be delivered at any time now.  I , however, have a sick baby whose suffered some pretty severe organ damage. It’s crucial he make it to 36 weeks , mainly to ensure strong lung development but also that he can be big enough to endure anesthesia and surgery and all the many other medical procedures he may have to go through. It’s apples and oranges people.

Ok, I feel totally better now that I got that off my chest …    Now I must lay in bed and dream of the day I can enjoy a nice cold Margarita !!!  Oh, how I miss my Jose Cuervo.

It was hard not to laugh on surgery day …  we had a camera crew following us around for goodness sake. Not that I don’t hope this will help others, but if given the choice as to how I’d become famous it  A) wouldn’t be from having a sick baby and B) I’d chose something that allowed me to wear, oh I dunno make-up, contacts and definitely NOT that blue hair net thingy they put on your head for surgery ! I can only imagine how AWESOME I must have looked !

Anyways, I was freakishly calm for the entire process.  I had my husband with me, my parents and my brother …   they were all so worried ( my mom was about to puke , poor thing ) I think they took all that nervous energy from me and I was able to just breath …

It also helped that the “crew” was the same.  I had just seen all of their friendly faces less than a week ago and amazingly enough they all still remembered my name , so I knew I was in good hands.  Again they prepped me as if I was about to have an emergency c-section. This surgery is so delicate, that one wrong move and that’d be it.

Again I was  A WAKE for this surgery … they put something in my IV to help me relax, but I was aware of conversations going on around me , I ABSOLUTLEY heard Dr. chamit say the dreaded word SCALPLE YUCK …    Other than that I mainly felt pressure as different needles and what not were inserted threw my stomach.

The first thing Dr. Chmait did was give me the amniotic infusion …   All of the sudden I heard everyone giggle and then Dr. Chmait said ” Hannah, Andrew has just grabbed the shaft of the needle with his hands” !!!   How freak’n cool is that !  I immediately felt my little guy  start moving around … all I could think was how happy he must have felt to finally be able to stretch out.

After filling me up with about 4cc’s of fluid , Dr. Chmait began massaging my stomach trying to get Andrew to roll over and into a better position , so that he could place the shunt.  This went on for a while … finally I felt the first incision , but my stubborn child moved .  So on to the other side of my stomach …

After more massaging, I heard Dr. Chamit praise Andrew for finally cooperating ! First they gave Andrew a shot in his thigh for pain and something to help him hold still , then  the second incision was made, and about 7 minutes later it was all over !!!

The staff applauded, I smiled and breathed a sign of relief …

After I was settled in the recovery room , Terri brought my parents in and Dr. Chmait came in to talk to us.   As a last resort he was forced to go threw the placenta …  It bled a bit, so now he’ll keep an eye on it to make sure it clots, and is reabsorbed by my body.   The shunt is in however  ( it’s aluminum, was screwed threw Andrew’s abdomen into his bladder.  The part that’s on the outside of his body makes a 90 degree angle and lays flat on his tummy ).

When I return next  week we hope to see more amniotic fluid , that his bladder is now collapsed around the shunt and hopefully that his kidneys aren’t as dilated.

For the meantime, I’m on strict bed rest …  No driving, cleaning, cooking or chores of any kind.    I have a very active 3 yr old … tell me, how in the heck is this suppose to happen ?

Today I had a sonogram with Dr. Chamit  (I’ll be seeing him weekly until I deliver) , he wanted to check on Andrew before surgery tomorrow.  A week ago when he checked, my amniotic fluid was around 4.3 … today it was at 1.  Which now makes sense as to why I haven’t felt Andrew move or kick for a few days.  Normal amniotic levels are at 10cc’s … the further along you are in pregnancy and the bigger baby gets, normal can be between 5 and 7. Where is it you wonder ?  Inside my poor son’s body. Trapped in his bladder and kidneys.  With no amniotic fluid he feels like he’s been zipped up in a really tight sleeping bag … worse his lungs can’t take their “practice breaths” without amniotic fluid.  Not that he isn’t breathing necessarily, but his lungs can’t develop normally and his chest can’t expand or contract , all of these things vital post-natal. So I’ll be receiving an amniotic-infusion tomorrow as well, which is basically warm saline solution.

The other part of my sonogram was for Dr. Chmait to map his point of entry … and why would that be easy, nothing else has been thus far.  Apparently the placenta grows either or the ceiling or floor of the uterus, mine of course is on the ceiling ( which means pretty much any part of my stomach that you can touch has placenta underneath ).  It’s never a good idea to puncture the placenta ( although I’m told the FRENCH do this all the time ), so he literally has the size of a quarter on the left side of my stomach to make the incision.  I’ve been tagged with a sharpie … apparently “X” really does mark the spot.

And to top it all off Andrew’s back is against the exact spot Dr. Chmait is to enter my stomach.  The Shunt has to go threw his abdomen in order to be placed in his bladder … how the hell is this gonna happen ?!?

Well friends, we pretty much have all the makings of a “PERFECT STORM” if you will …  As if I wasn’t already scared and nervous.